hmm.

So many thoughts, so hard to put it all down in words.

I was talking with my housemates today and some things we talked about were extremely interesting. ;) P/S. We talked about guys. HAHAA. And I just realised,

I have been called a bitch just because I don't feel the same way about someone. And honestly to me, its fine. Call me whatever you like, all sorts of mean names, if it makes you feel better. It doesn't do anything to me, except maybe make me laugh at your bitterness.

I am honest with my feelings, if I don't like something/someone I will just say so. My honesty makes me happy. And if you don't like me because of it, then oh wells, NOT MY PROBLEM. :)

There has been a guy I regard as a friend, best friend even, betray me and spread rumors about me and lie to my face. (I still hate him now, and this happened last year lol)

The point of this post?

I just think, guys/people who hate me can hate me all they want. Its not in my power to change their opinions on me, and I believe I never have to explain myself to people who don't matter. I'm doing things that make me happy and being with people I care about. Random, nameless, faceless people who talk behind my back because they're scared to hate me to my face, don't matter to me.Life goes on anyway. :)

xoxo ♥

PHYSICS p5.

such an annoying paper. sighs.

left hand fingertips hurt so much its hard to type. But last night was super fun, eyra. ;D

oh and i've been so accident prone recently. woke up few days ago with a HUGE red slash on my face. Its painful and swollen til today, I think I scratched myself in my sleep, sigh. I FEEL SO UGLY.

And woke up this morning with insect bites on my arm. fml.

xoxo

chemistry was soooo bad, time for me to cry. :(

And to make things worse? Right after the paper can't terus go home and be depressed (haha), a JPA officer came and talked to us about the ahem, consequences, of not passing the cut-off point- have to pay back JPA everything :PPP.

HAHA so comforting, right after the crappiest paper she go tell us like that :P

I dunno la. WHY CHEM SO DAMN SUSAH WAN? :(

Or maybe I'm just being a drama queen. Ah whatever.

2 more to go.

xoxo

I can't do this without Him.

I'm scared.

-karen

in 2 weeks and two days, i am gonna sit for my FIRST A2 paper.

This is the exam that decides on my future.

OHMYGOSH. D:

xoxo karen

If I could turn back time.

If I could have one wish.

I would wish I never met you.

There has to be firsts for everything, I guess. Call it karma if you will, I think I hurt too many people in my years of high school, those years of superficial flings with people I barely cared about.

I guess it was my own fault. I know, by making mistakes, we learn. And by the way, someday you shall be sorry. (:

xoxo.

helppppp D:

I just came home from a kinda crazy birthday party involving water, tea, coffee, cake and cola all in one bucket and poured all over the unfortunate birthday girl. :D (and i was kinda sorta involved. :P) HAHA but anyways.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KOGILA!

I know you don't read this but anyways I love youu I hope you enjoyed it, xoxo :)

I was gonna upload a pic but seriously the internet is bugging the hell n outta me, so freaking slow. And I'm typing in the dark, also a source of annoyance cos I make horrible typos. :p

Anyways. Mid sem's over, thank God. I studied like hell beforehand, made a couple of careless mistakes, so careless I wanna kick myself. But I guess thats how you learn right. :) uisehmannn. :P HAHA.

Bio is starting to seem so interesting cause well, I'm gonna be a doctor anyways. Chemistry is FINALLY starting to make sense! And Physics, I'm finally beginning to realise how it's involved in EVERYTHING around us. OH MY GOD it has finally happened, I've become a nerd. No longer a bimbo-slash-nerd, but a full time nerd! (bimbo went away when I chopped off my hair and its growing so soon I wont be Rusty anymore, just karen. :P)

All this while its been about exams and memorising without actually caring what I was reading about. Now for the first time I'm beginning to realise its about knowledge, its about understanding why and how things happen. I wish I realised this earlier, it would have made high school and the past year of college a whole lot more fun. Its STILL about exams, of course, but then my dad was right, you have to love something to be able to do well in it.

Oh and that reminds me, AS results day is looming closer and closer, and I'm scared. Like I know I prayed and did my best, and God is gonna take care of everything else, but I can't help it. Its my future. Everything depends on that exam and the one in 3 months time.

The burden is seriously so overwhelming at times. I pray to God for strength because I really can't do this alone. I'm scared, I'm lacking confidence, and I freeze in exam halls. The simplest thing becomes an issue cause I constantly question what I remembered. example physics today, gravitational field strength formula also can forget. for the record, g=GM/r2. :D I just thought it would be more complicated than that. :P

Am starting to ramble. I'm often like this when anxious or scared or nervous. :P

xoxo karen.

Home tomorrow. :(

Packing makes me cranky.

EXTREMELY CRANKY. So cranky that every tiny little thing makes me mad.

And something just made me burst. Okay, you. Seriously, do you EVER get any original ideas? you know, any ideas that actually come from INSIDE YOUR HEAD? Or do you just leach off other people? you're such a loser. Seriously, you're so pathetic I feel sorry for you. I'm not scared of you. READ THIS and confront me if you want to, bring it ON.

Anyways.

It felt better to get that all out of my system. (: I just.... don't like it when people act like.. well, retards.

So. I'm packing.

I guess I couldn't concentrate today. Cause I was driving, and then I HIT ANOTHER CAR. Congratulations, my first crash, guess it had to happen sometime. :P

I'm so sad la. I don't wanna go back tomorrow. I DON'T WANT. I don't wanna go back to the jungle....

Sighs.

I've decided I hate KL. -___-

People in Sabah are nicer! They speak coherent Malay! AND THEY SAY SORRY WHEN THEY BUMP INTO YOU! ;p AND they are not annoying bimbos who annoy the hell outta you!

Guess I didn't totally get it outta my system. Ah, well. I guess I officially kinda hate her. :P

OOPS! Did I say "her"? HAHA my bad.

xoxo karen

I'm NOT GONNA SWEAR, but......

Oh fk physics. :(

P/S it was hard. :( Oh, dear God, I hope I don't have to re-sit the paper.

xoxo karen

Well, THAT lecture was like a really really hard slap in the face.

And as resentful as I might have felt, oh I don't know. I'm just so tired. I guess maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe I deserved it, in fact. I really don't know.

What I do know is, no matter what, somebody gets mad. Somebody gets pissed. I hate having to choose.

Why can't I just be allowed to be happy? Is it too much to ask sometimes?

Its so unfair.

You know what, forget it. Its my own fault.

xoxo

Still feeling that tiny, nagging, deep sense of resentment. :P IDK. I'm Catholic, I'm supposed to love the people I want to hate, but the thing is its soooooo difficult right now.

Today has JUST NOT BEEN A GOOD DAY.

The fan in my room decided to be annoying and chose TODAY OF ALL DAYS to not work. Some more I got paper tomorrow la, WTF. AND. We reported it to the admin except, OMG it takes months before they replace it. D: I can't survive for even a day without the fan. Its retarded having to WAIT SO LONG.

So then Felicia and I had to go all the way out to get a new one. Ish. x pasal2 have to spend 60 each on a new fan but I am now happily sitting in front of it, highest wind speed, and I refuse to move. :D

Sighs.

OMG I seriously NEVER thought I would be able to set up a fan. As in use screwdriver and put everything together. Daddy would be so amazed. I used to be the world's biggest spoilt brat. :P HAHA! Couldn't cook or clean the house or do anything "manly". And look at me now, I've become.......... well. Manly. =.=

Kinda happy now that I've got a new fan. :D

Rights, am off to read newspaper and see if there are any news about Messi. ;)

xoxo rusty

p/s Hey you, I miss you so much. (:

I've tried SO HARD for SO LONG to control my emotions and keep my words in check, never letting on how I really feel cause I really do wanna be nice, but.....

Damn, I hate her.

And I'm pretty sure she's reading this anyways. :P

xoxo

AS, days three and four x)

Day three marks Bio practical.

It was really sad. I mean, seriously. I didn't have time to repeat readings so I made up my own values, haha. It was so bad, in fact, I resisted the urge to burst into tears in the lab. During the paper. Oh, awesome.

I hope by some miracle I didn't do TOO badly lah.

Anyways.

Day four was today.

Mechanics and Physics paper 1, which is kinda sucky in a sense cause having to study TWO different subjects IS NO FUN. :(

But! Its not all horrible lah. I did my Mech paper, right, and I thought to myself, hey, this is pretty easy, better than past years (cause I totally stressed over past years, just ask my roommate =.=)

And then after the exam I hear people muttering to themselves, that the paper "WAS SO TOUGH!"

Which brings about the question. Did I do everything wrong, or something? O_o

Anyways. Physics. Oh, idk. I did so freaking many past years, and I was getting kinda okay at it, and the paper mmg got past years lah. But idk how I did. I hope good enough to score..... an........ A! x)

hehe. :) This is amazing coming from me. I used to score, AT BEST, 40? 30? on my physics exams back in KK.

Paper tomorrow!

I'm so jealous of people who's exams are already over. *whine* Yes you. (: haha.

Holidays come faster leh! Before I break down and lose my mind. :'(

xoxo rusty

Day 2 of AS. D:

Bio paper 2 was yesterday!

Aish. I studied plants plants plants til I wanna muntah already and yet NOT A SINGLE TINY LITTLE SUB-QUESTION (yet alone question) came out.

Depressing much?..

I mean I really don't think I did BADLY, exactly. I just don't know if I did WELL. Its so hard to gauge how I did. The questions are SO RANDOM MAN. And like.. I didn't really understand the HIV question. That carried 5 marks. Pfft. :P

DEPRESSING!

But that was yesterday la. Today I just woke up, I'm kinda like.. Oh, IDK. Calmer? I did my best already, I think all I can do now is let it go and surrender it up to God because thats faith- believing in a higher power, bigger than yourself, bigger than what your mind can fathom, and I believe truly, He will help me get through this. (:

Meanwhile I'm just gonna focus on my other papers!

xoxo rustyyy XD

P/S I LOVE LIONEL MESSI ♥ :)

AS- DAY 1 :(

Maths P1 today.

I've always been a math nerd, so like.. I think it went pretty well actually. (:

Couldn't do question 10 (i) couldn't get the stupid values of k but you know what, thats just me being whiny on purpose. :P HAHA I mean, its just two marks, I'm gonna let it go and focus on my Bio paper coming up day after tomorrow.

HEHE. :)

Kinda happy la. I mean like OH MY GAWD its AS its AS its AS! But seriously I hope every single paper is as nice and smooth as Maths. Then I would be fine. :D

Funny. I'm not very stressed right now. Although I should be. I think I'm calm also its because I've been praying so hard and I've been like asking God to help me out, and all.. And really, with Him helping me, I think I can do it. (:

I'M GOING TO FLY NEXT YEAR EVEN IF IT KILLS ME.

Off to study Bio. Will be disappearing from this blog til Friday!

:)

xoxo rusty

I think Mechanics Hates me. :(

I was so effing disappointed in myself.

WHAT THE HELL MAN.

My Mechanics paper. Tengok bah. Its like, full marks for all questions EXCEPT THE LAST ONE WHICH CARRIES THE MOST FREAKING MARKS.

D:

Okaysssss, depressed.

(Although, in my defense, it wasn't a careless mistake, I actually seriously had no idea how to do the question. Still. Its no excuse, I'm still really disappointed in how STUPID I am. :P)

*groan*

xoxo rusty.

*whine*

I'm tired of the games, can we just stop? :/

xoxo rusty

AND..........

I know EXACTLY what I HAVE to do.

I just don't know if I have the guts to do it.

xoxo rusty

Warning- This is an emo one ;P

It feels good to suddenly talk to him again. EHE.

Oh gosh. Abit abit abit guilty also la.. But then.. I don't really care anymore.

All this drama.. All the emotions.. Are so very draining. I couldn't even tell you how many times I wish it was abit easier. That people are more even tempered, that people take out their anger on me a little less. Sometimes I don't understand it, it makes me shut down and don't feel like arguing or responding at all cos I'm just so freaking tired of it all.

Anyways. I know I act like a kid. I know, honestly. But then.. why can't people just be honest once in a while? Don't say things like you're scared I can't handle it. TRY ME.

Respect me enough to try being brutally honest with me, and you will be pleasantly surprised to see that I'm NOT going to be so sad or I'm NOT going to kill myself out of disappointment. Probably the only person who's always (and I mean ALWAYS) honest with me is Samson. Everyone else will filter things. Oh except Felicia. She's honest too because I force things outta her. Hmmmmm. (:

I've been wanting to type this for SUCH A LONG TIME!

It hurts la.. I couldn't even tell you how it feels really.. The feeling you get when someone blows you off like you're nothing, like you don't matter enough to them to tell you what they really want from you. I'm not a mind reader and if you expect me to be, you're just going to end up disappointed.

I also hate that I'm tearing as I type this.

Because maybe sometimes when you feel strongly about something, or someone, you're willing to put up with any crap they put you through, just because. Just because.

xoxo rusty

So freaking restless, its like I can't sit stilllllllllll. :P

Mood swings at an all time high, and I don't even have my period.

I feel like......... sleeping. OMG I got the weirdest urge yesterday. It was NOT healthy. *SASA you know what I'm talking about XD* But I'm still thinking about it even today.. I just wanna try and see how it feels like thats all. :P ARGH someone control me.

You know that reckless, rebellious feeling you sometimes get? Yeah I've been feeling that a couple of days now, I think I'm going to give in and end up doing something.. well, reckless and rebellious.

Okay. Enough with the cryptic, double-meaning emo stuff.

I feel the urge to screeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam, loud and long.

xoxo rusty.