its just life, live it. ♥

two more days. I'm going to miss these girls. :C

i is sad. :C

time passes by so fast I just can't believe it. I feel like I just got here, barely settled in, and then I look at the calender and its like, OMG, its 3rd of may already. I'm flying back on the 28th, meaning I have around 25 days to hang around here and see my friends, and then BAM its back to KK, back to my family and dogs, and then probably a month later, time to leave Malaysia. :C

I FEEL SO SAD!

I feel like finally I'm growing up and getting OLD (OMG) and I have to actually start studying to be a doctor soon! D: it all sounds so serious and I really feel like.. I'm not ready. :(

I'm not ready to say bye to my family and friends and my country! Not to mention my freedom! :P I'm not ready to be so serious and stuff, I'm pretty much still like a kid actually. :P

ARGH SO SAD AND TERRIFIED GOT NO WAY TO PUT IT ALL DOWN INTO WORDS.

oh but the only silver lining on my cloud of despair and misery? :P I don't have a boyfriend, so that's one less person to say goodbye to. :)

LESS THAN A WEEK TO GO :(

*sadface*

On the bright side I finished my translations, CV, and photocopies yesterday :) I even got my 40 pictures printed already. :)

Everything settled, end of story, byebye. ;)

Now to feel depressed because I'm leaving in three days. :(

xoxo

Playing with the iPad again :)

So I shamefully admit, I gave in to temptation and bought yet another pair of shoes. D:

They are everlast sneakers, my fave. :) I loved my last pair so much, I used them till the bottom berlubang and I was considering taping the bottom just so I can continue using them. :/ *embarrassed.

Anyways! The shoes were 60% off, so, whatever la. :D am gonna get a job in Sabah to earn back wat I spent this hols. :p any suggestions what kinda job I should look for? (:

Oh and Jeremy called today, for awhile. It felt good to hear from him. :) I think he's an idiot who picks on me way too much, but I do miss him loads. ;p

And today, well.. The weirdest thing. I think so many things still do remind me of him, just flashes of things I mean. I try not to think but memories have an annoying way of sneaking up on you at the most unexpected times. :p but I know there are no more feelings, there haven't been since months ago. It's just a matter of forgetting it all. The best way, go back to Sabah where there are no reminders. :)

On the plus side, despite the remembering, I felt happy this morning. Not going to elaborate, it's hard to say, but.. thank you. :). I have days when I feel crappy about myself, and today you chased those feelings away. (:

Xoxo.

Results in two days!

Its a miracle I'm still functioning, seriously. THIS IS A NIGHTMARE I AM SO SCARED OH MY GOSH.

Jesus I know You're there, I know no matter what You will always be there for me.

The world wants my best, but God wants my all. (:

And Jesus, I have read a million times, the phrases "KNOCK and the door shall be open, ASK and you shall receive, SEEK and you shall find."

So here I am dear Jesus, the imperfect, selfish, sinful being that I am, humbly imploring You, in Your infinite goodness and mercy, PLEASE OH PLEASE let me get the results I want. LET ME GET 4A's I've been begging for. It may seem so impossible, and to my human mind it seems so HARD but Lord, You who conquered sin and death, NOTHING is too hard for You. No burden is too heavy for You. And because You love me, You want the best for me, and I know You hear my prayers before I fall asleep at night.

Take away my fear. Take away my insecurities, take away the thought "I can't". Silence the whispers in my head telling me I'm not good enough. Pick up the pieces of my broken heart, and give me a new one, to love and serve You and to care for little else. You alone know how much I have been hurting, You alone know how hard I find things to be sometimes. And yet as I come into Your presence, as I pray to You I can feel the pain easing, the burden lightening, and I feel whole again.

Its in 2 days and while I often say "Nothing can be done", well, You are good and You are perfect and miracles happen because of Your perfect love.

4A's Lord, PLEASE.

And yet, not my will, but Yours be done. (:

xoxo karen

I hate everything.

And everyone.

Bye world, I'm going to go eat my hamsters now.

And felicia will join me.

xoxo karen

Home tomorrow. :(

Packing makes me cranky.

EXTREMELY CRANKY. So cranky that every tiny little thing makes me mad.

And something just made me burst. Okay, you. Seriously, do you EVER get any original ideas? you know, any ideas that actually come from INSIDE YOUR HEAD? Or do you just leach off other people? you're such a loser. Seriously, you're so pathetic I feel sorry for you. I'm not scared of you. READ THIS and confront me if you want to, bring it ON.

Anyways.

It felt better to get that all out of my system. (: I just.... don't like it when people act like.. well, retards.

So. I'm packing.

I guess I couldn't concentrate today. Cause I was driving, and then I HIT ANOTHER CAR. Congratulations, my first crash, guess it had to happen sometime. :P

I'm so sad la. I don't wanna go back tomorrow. I DON'T WANT. I don't wanna go back to the jungle....

Sighs.

I've decided I hate KL. -___-

People in Sabah are nicer! They speak coherent Malay! AND THEY SAY SORRY WHEN THEY BUMP INTO YOU! ;p AND they are not annoying bimbos who annoy the hell outta you!

Guess I didn't totally get it outta my system. Ah, well. I guess I officially kinda hate her. :P

OOPS! Did I say "her"? HAHA my bad.

xoxo karen

I've been putting off doing something for a very very long time.

In my mind.. Its the ultimate form of living in denial. If you don't get rid of something, you can pretend its still there. If you don't think too much about something, then it would be as if it didn't happen.

Right?

I've been sitting here thinking all evening, trying to sum up enough courage to do what I think I should have done ages ago but didn't because I was holding on to the tiniest shred of hope, that things might just turn out the way I wish it would. But maybe I shouldn't be waiting anymore.

Maybe once and for all, I should just move on.

So this marks it exactly, my decision to seriously get rid of everything that still haunts me, all the memories in all forms, everything. The things that used to make me smile, used to make me feel so happy. Now it all just hurts. And it will continue to hurt for God knows how long more to come. But I won't wait anymore for something that I wish with all my heart but will never truly happen.

I'm guess I'm just tired and done waiting.

So if you're reading this, know that I've never done this before and never before have I lowered myself to such an extent that I type things like this for the world to read. Normally thoughts like this get safely locked inside my head. But I guess there's a first time for everything.

Call it what you will, but I guess you bring out the very best and very worst in me, all at the same time.

Bye.

xoxo

Physics practical...

I guess it was okay. Nothing special as in didn't break anything, didn't go crazy, didn't screw up. :P So...... I hope I get A. :D :D :D

I feel so tired. Period cramps today so bad I can barely move yet forced myself to go down for badminton because I feel fat and my self-esteem is not so high at the moment. :P

OH YEAH. Now, I know I made a mess with 'him' last year and everything, but......... I'm kinda happy he still checks up on me once in awhile like he asks me how my papers go and stuff. I mean I don't know what exactly his intention is, I find it weird at times, but still I think it feels nice that at least someone seems to care.

Actually I've been feeling kinda loser-ly this week. It hasn't even been a week since it happened but it feels like forever and I don't mean in a good way. I mean like.... when I'm busy I think less, when I tire myself out then I can fall asleep at night the moment my head hits the pillow, but on the nights I can't sleep I tend to once again think about him. I'm not over it, I'm not over him, I'm not over everything that happened. I'm trying to forget by telling myself I'll get over it eventually, I always do, but still it doesn't really distract from the fact that RIGHT NOW I just can't seem to forget.

I mean we all say we're okay and to an extent I suppose I am, but still. It takes time.

Are you reading this? I wonder if you still do.

xoxo

I think I'm okay now.

I can't wait to go home and sleep in my own room and think properly in the silence.

I'm alone now, again.

But then I've never been afraid of being alone. The silence is comforting.

I think we rushed. It was a mistake to rush. And now it ended up like this. Again, I'm sorry.

Having you...... *type, backspace. type again. backspace some more.* I don't even want to put it into this blog, its way too private in my opinion. But yeah. It was like a dream.

I wonder if you still read this. Just in case you do.. I'll say.. thank you. It was hard for me but right now I think it was a lesson I needed to learn.

xoxo

I made a mess and I totally screwed up.

I'm so sorry.

Maybe someday you'll look back on this and not totally hate me.

But you should know. It kinda hurts me too.

xoxo

Well, THAT lecture was like a really really hard slap in the face.

And as resentful as I might have felt, oh I don't know. I'm just so tired. I guess maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe I deserved it, in fact. I really don't know.

What I do know is, no matter what, somebody gets mad. Somebody gets pissed. I hate having to choose.

Why can't I just be allowed to be happy? Is it too much to ask sometimes?

Its so unfair.

You know what, forget it. Its my own fault.

xoxo